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1066 AND ALL THAT ©

Tom Barker
Joondalup, Australia

Big Wully the Conk an' 'is muckers,
decided on a foray yin day.
Thoucht they micht visit England,
an’ on arrivin’ decided ti stay.

Auld 'arold weren't that 'ard o''earin'
but wen 'e 'eard Big Wull the Frog was afoot
'e moved 'is Army gey sharpish,
an' on a big 'ill 'es Army 'e poot.

It wis doon by a toon ca’d 'astins,
an' 'arold ‘ed jist winned a beg feicht,
But 'e set off a bit aufie smartish,
cos 'e wanted to be theer at dayleicht.

They fought gey hard en ‘at
till some cudnie nae lang’r stuan’
Then Big Wull sed, "Lets pretend te rin aff"
an' aw the Sassenachs follered 'em as planned.

Then Wull 'sent raggerty arses on big 'ossis,
an' et looked at a fust sneaky gleg
They wus goin' ter sweep 'ole manky field,
'cos they advanced wi' sich a fierce peg.

But Sassenacks fought 'ard an' like fury,
until they long arrers began ti' preen
An' es 'arold hed a gleg inti cloods,
’e caught yin recht in 'is een

Jings! bit tha poot paid ti battle,
and wi' thon King noo laid so lo’.
Tithers just downed aw tools,
'cos there wiz nae place fer em ti go.

Big Wully did some more conquerin’,
then built Castles wi' wood palisades.
An' Frogs were entertained gey royaly
by blond haired blue eyed maids.

Then Wull devised 'eavy doomsday book
that told hem what was weer.
An' 'e also made some guid laws,
tha' gid 'im gold an' silver an' gear.

But yin day mebbe on a wee promise,
Wull es ridin' hame lickerty split.
Wen 'is 'oss stumbled on cobblestones,
an' Big Wully went erse ower tit.

Pommel o' saddle dug inti Wull's spleen,
an' Wull let oot wun gey aufie cry.
An' 'e laid there in agony fer fower days.
afore decidin' finally ti die.

Noo auld England is cram foo wi' moaners
and ivvery werrd hez to be squizzed fer a kink
but ah dinnie think et wull tek muckle mare
afore the 'ole bliddy lot wull jist sink.

They cuid extend thon chunnel ti Glasgow,
an’ build a lift frae the sea bed.
Then row like the clappers fer Auld Reeky,
while London sleeps on in mud in the Med.

Wee pigs micht fly wen ah'm gone,
an' ivvery close wull hae green crap oan et
But ah'll be buried upricht ye ken,
’en aw the watter wull jist rin aff me wee bonnet.


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