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Auld Pat and wee Bryan McPue ©

Here’s a wee story about a man named McPue, who went by the name of Brian Now it’s important to believe that I’m no really lyin’ When I say he was born and raised in a zoo.

Robin Ashcroft
Perth, Scotland
2007

Now oor Brian, when he was a bairn,
was a troublesome brat
and his folks at the end of their tether
Really quite past carin’
Gave him to the auld zookeeper named Pat.

‘Now’ said Pat, ‘Just try to behave, else I’ll put you in wi’ the lions’
Well, becoming upset, the wee Brian started to cry
In fact he was really greetin’ at the prospect o’ meetin’
You’ve guessed it, I bet, a lion.

But Pat he was a kind hearted kind of bloke
And pattin’ wee Brian on the heid
Reassured him wi’ the words that he spoke
‘Now listen here sonny, if ye’re good ye can live wi’ me
The meals are good but the accomodation’s really a joke’

The very next day, Brian tried as hard as he might,
he just could'nae stay out of trouble
He’d put a wee moose in the elephant pit
They panicked and turned the walls intae rubble

On hearing this, oor Pat had a fit
‘You wee …’ he said, well let’s just say it rhymes wi’ polite

On hearing that, Brian telt a wee fib,
The moose was chased, by the Women’s Lib,
All the way oot of the hall
He’d rescued the creature fae the Feminist preacher
But it fell of all places o’er the elephants’ wall.

Well, Pat being kind hearted, and Brian being young
He gave the lad anither chance
‘Here ye go son’ said Pat,
‘You’ve been drafted to clean up the elephant dung
‘Since you caused hell, just put up wi’ the smell,
and use it as fertilizer fer the plants’
Now Brian tried hard for days, he really did,
just to be a good wee fella
But tae his dismay, or p’raps maybe his joy,
being that sort of boy
A list of the things he did I’ll tell ye:

He made a crocodile no longer smile,
He even got the alligator later,
He made the camel get the hump,
The marching penguins fell over with a bump,
In the aquarium a puffer fish popped,
But still, he had'nae yet stopped

Because of him the lizard shivered,
The polar bear went intae psychiatric care,
He made a giraffe barf, a chimpanzee flee,
He even changed the signs on the loo,
And that’s just tae name but a few!

Now when Pat caught him playing a’ these pranks
He said, ‘Right sonny, you think yer funny?
It’s in wi’ the lions fer you.
‘And I’ll be really frank,
ye’ve just got yersel’ for to thank’

So to the lion’s cage did wee Brian McPue
And Pat dropped him in saying,
‘That’s that, ye wee troublesome brat’
The lions, seeing the lad, ate each other there and then
‘Jings, crivvens, help ma boab!’ said Pat
‘Eh’m oot o’ a joab!’

Pat kept him in that very pen
The crowds having nothing to fear, let out a cheer
‘Hooray, he’ll never trouble us again!’

Now then, when your kid’s a spoilt brat
Between you an me, you ken what tae do
Just tell him the tale you heard from me
Or better still, take them to see
- he’s still alive it’s true –
Old Mister McPue, who lives in the zoo
The best exhibit that Auld Pat ever knew.



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