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Euan's Exploding Grandma ©

Tom Green
Fife, Scotland
2005

My dad said Gran exploded (I‘m sure that’s what he said)
But my gran’s still here, she’s most definitely not dead

She has lots of cakes and biscuits when I visit her for tea
And she’s good at telling stories when I sit at her knee
She tells me of the olden days when Dad was just like me
Of the time he fell in a fish pond or climbed a high tree
She tells me of the old games played when she was small
She had no Play Station One or Two, just a pram and a doll
There was no T.V., C.D. or Walkman when she was my age
Just a wireless and wind-up gramophone were all the rage
Now Gran’s really up to date with lots of things that I like
Like a laptop computer (though she doesn’t have a bike)

Gran likes to watch my videos when I come to call
Dennis The Menace, Spider Man, she likes them all
She doesn’t seem to mind she’s seen them lots before
She is really interested and I’ve never heard her snore
Gran’s also very good when I’m sometimes in a muddle
A drink of orange juice (and shh, sometimes a cuddle)
So just how could she explode, a good Gran like that?
The other night I said to Dad “It’s time we had a chat”
He could see that I was worried, (my face was red)
“Can you please tell me dad, why Gran’s not dead?”
Dad said, “What do you mean, are you off your head?”

“You said Gran exploded, I thought she’d be wrecked
When I went to see her I didn’t know what to expect
Maybe I’d find wee bits of her scattered here and there
Instead she was just her usual self sitting on her chair.”
Now Dad was laughing hard with tears in his eye
“I’ll never be up to you, no matter how hard I try!
How could your Gran explode, you couldn’t be dafter
What I actually said was “She exploded with laughter!”



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