It was early on one evening just at the back o' nine
I fancied having a plate o' chips so stuck them in and with the time
I was sitting by the fireside and I fell asleep that winter night
I woke up and looked towards the door I was glad I had my sight
The smoke came underneath the door,
a really greasy waft
Then like a silly beggar I opened the kitchen door
and was hit then by the draft
The ceiling it was burning the chip pan wasn't there
the work tops were melting
Along with the kitchen chair
I ran through to the telephone and dialed 999
A wifie asked to give my name I said, "There isn't time!
Send the fire brigade
as fast as they can be,
to try and save my kitchen and maybe even save me!"
Well FireSam came into the house and dragged me out the door
I shouted, "Let go, you fool, my shoes are on the floor!"
Well I fought and fought to get my shoes and then a sudden whoosh
came darting out of Firesam's hose and blew me over a bush
They managed to put the fire out, in 20 minutes flat,
And then bloody Big man came, the one with the yellow hat.
He said, "You can go back in, but don't touch anything inside!
The Council will arrive in the morning, and tan your bloody hide!"