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Modern or Modem? Times ©

Tom Green
Fife, Scotland
2005

When glazin’ salesmen leave the street
An’ thirsty neighbours neighbours meet
Nae Market days noo tae draw late
The sales are a’ done on the Internet

Doon at the pub we greet yin another
Relatin’ the day’s irritations and bother
While we sit boozin’ an’ getting’ happy
Oor designated driver is getting’ snappy
Tryin’ hard tae screw up his courage
Tae order yet anither soda an’ orange

We’re fu o’ the joys relatin’ oor tales
While suppin’ oor whiskies and oor ales
“My Internet connection went down,
The man sent to fix it wis a clown”
“I’ve just ta’en delivery o’ a Mercedes
The soft top’s sure to attract the ladies.”

Wi’ nostalgia we often think of the past
These modern days things gae sae fast
Tho’ we’ve tried hard tae get up to date
At the back like the coo’s tail is oor fate

Oft we think back tae the guid auld day
When we ate oor brose an’ the horse his hay
We maun noo carry on the best we can
Suppin’ oor hot soup frae oot o’ a can

We got the vet when the horse was ailin’
It’s no’ the same when machines are failin’
When electronic controls make us nervous
We pit the robotic tractor in for a service

We buy something new and are elated
Within twa weeks or so we’re outdated
Maybe we’ve got too much time on oor hands
Robotic tractors are ploughin’ oor lands

TV‘s too many channels we wonder why
The adverts convince us o’ things tae buy
“This electric back scratcher’s a la mode
It can also be used as a cattle prod.”

An electric blanket for the collie’s bed
Our micro-lite plane is kept in the shed
Payin’ for these we just had tae borrow
(Oor swimmin’ pool arrives tomorrow)

It’s no’ sae hard tae trip the light fantastic
A’ that’s needit is a wee caird o’ plastic
It seems that there’s nothin’ we can’t get
We just hiv’ tae run up mountains o’ debt

Folk in the auld days bocht wi real money
Nooadays that concept seems awfy funny
“We must hae it noo!” that is our cry
Even if we’ve tae keep peyin’ till we die.

But we maun be upsides wi’ oor rich neebors
Wha can afford things withoot great labours
Oor holiday’s ended, borrowed money’s gone
We don’t even hae the cash for an ice cream cone

Was it all worth it? We’re no’ quite sure
But we’re keepin’ up wi’ the folk next door
We’ve now reached oor door, sportin’ a tan
Ootside oor neighbour’s door’s the bailiff’s van

We’re quite taken aback at their sad plight
They say, ”Don’t worry, we’ll live aff the State.”
"You’ll just no’ believe this, but it’s really true
We were tryin’ too hard tae keep up wi’ you!”

Where will it a’ end? we jist haven’t a clue
We could dae wi’ advice on what we should do
But oor Granny’s advice just made us sae bored
“Don’t buy a single thing that ye canna afford!”



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