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OOR FRED AND THE OLYMPICS ©

Tom Barker
Joondalup, Australia

Fred were a bit o' a runner,
'cos 'is Ma remarked wen 'e were born.
"Yon lad's gonna be a good mover
'e's built like a young unicorn."

Hands that curled up at fingers,
feet like hermit crabs.
Fred cud run just as fast sideways,
an' jump ower three six foot slabs.

'E used tu go swimmin' in' t watter,
an' loved ti lay theer an' float.
Till a bloke fer a joke, gid 'im a poke,
an' sed, "Ah'll gi' thee a tow wi' me boat."

So Fred spread 'is big feet in 't watter,
and grabbin' owd end o' 't rope.
The bloke revved up 'is injine,
an' Fred got a gob full o' soap.

Props churned watter ti foam suds,
an' Fred like a cork from a keg,
exploded across that smooth watter,
like a rocket wi only one leg.

Then when't Olympics 'it Sydney,
Fred sed, "Ah'm gonna be in that."
But e' 'ad tu sign on' t dotted line,
wi' a smile like a big Cheshire cat

He watched the openin' and swimmin'
then it were 'is turn fur 't long jump.
An' just as e' were limberin' up,
'is big feet began t' pump.

'E ran right up to the start line,
and pulling back on 'is toes.
T' wind got under his big feet,
an' up into the air he rose.

Ground wus a blur beneath 'im,
as 'igher an' 'igher he rose.
App'n 'e thowt 'e were showin' off,
so 'e gently lowered 'is toes.

Fred glided in fer a landing,
t' cheers of the gatherin' crowds.
An' wun corpulent official sed,
"By 'eck lad, tha nearly 'it clouds."

"Tha naws thee 'as beaten' t long jump.
Tha's nobbut beat 'igh jump as well.
Ruddy good job there's no deep jump,
app'n tha cud 'ave finished up meetin' Devil in 'ell."

Well oor Fred went 'ome reet 'appy,
an 'is Mam gid 'im egg fer 'is tea.
Now Fred's retired back at seaside,
serenely paddlin' wi't crabs in' t sea.


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