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Strawberry Tarts ©

for Jane Kay

Tom Green
Fife, Scotland
2004

Noo oor freen’ Jane frae Cupar visited us yestreen
Oor invitation tae efternoon tea pit a gleam in her een
She sat genteely doon on oor posh new leather settee
And we supplied her wi’ a delicate china cup o’ tea
We had a guid range o’ cakes on the hostess cart
Jane had eyes only for the luscious strawberry tart
We gied her twa enormous napkins tae keep her clean
As she chose the tart full o’ strawberries and cream

Events had gone much as a good tea party should
But there begins the story, (it’s really quite good)
Tae munch that braw tart Jane was fair desperate
She just couldna’ wait tae get the cake on her plate
Her eagerness wis quite plain for a’body tae see
She had tae hae that very tart alang wi’ her tea
She got it on her plate, her haun wis fair shakin’
Thinkin’ o’ the road the tart would soon be takin’

Jane tried her best tae eat the tart and look delicate
As we tried no’ tae watch, it must have been fate
That lovely tart just fair skidded aff her china plate
It dropped doon the front o’ her open neck blouse
Causin’ us tae emit a chorus o’ screams and shouts
It a’ happened sae suddenly, a split second it took
We averted oor eyes, no’ kennin’ whaur tae look
There wis then, total, utter, silence, naebody spoke
Then said my man, “Ah’m gaun oot fur a smoke.”

Jane scraped the remains o’ the tart frae aff her chest
While ah tried tae help her, (ah did ma very best)
Bit a strawberry tart frae Stuart’s no’ easy tae dight
When it’s got on the inside of a blouse that‘s white
Noo pair Jane wis embarrassed, it really wis a shame
Covered in cream, pastry and bright strawberry jam
Then came the eventual dawning and the realisation
How tae get back unnoticed tae the railway station
She looked a richt sight as she trudged up the track
On a hot sunny summer’s day in an auld plastic mac

Noo the moral o’ this story is, (it’s very plain tae see)
Is tak’ very guid care when havin’ juicy tarts for tea
And while they may be awfy mooth waterin’ and tasty
Just apply a wee bit discipline, and don’t be too hasty
Noo when Jane comes roon’ it’s hilarious tae see
She pits oan her plastic mac afore she has her tea



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