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The Nut House ©

Re-hash of an old 1920's tale.

Tom Barker
Joondalup, Australia

There is an auld gytehoose near Lincoln,
but ah wullnie mention ony by name.
Cos the balmy beggers in theer,
wid like aw visitors ti play their game.

Owd Wull is paint'n' the ceiling,
so he ordered matt white frae the shoap.
But the idiots gid hem gloas paint,
noo he's washi'n' the flair wi' a moap.

Next day he went wi' a Minder,
and slammed the gloss paint oan the bar.
"Ah wuz want'n' matt!" he greeted hoarsely
and Matt White sashayed up to the bar.

Matt wuz aye dealin' wi' nutters,
and telt bloke he hed poot paint oan back ti front.
Then the bloke telt Matt weer 'e cid shove et,
and when it wuz dry 'e cid awa en paint hez wee punt.

Then there was owd Yorky Fred the ex-Bricky,
warblin', "Wer… wer.. wot the heck am ah doin' 'ere?
Ah'm stuck 'ere ber… ber… buildin' this bleed'n' wowl,
an' ah can't ge… ger… aht fer a ber bleed'n' beer."

The Manager then approached Owd Fred
and Fred maintained he was quite sane.
And the boss man said he would look into it,
then turned and took off again.

That's when Fred picked up a loose brick,
and threw it with just enough force.
To knock the Managers cap off,
and Fred grinned showing no remorse.

"Thee weern't fergit wot ah telt thi,
ah'm as sane as any bugger 'ere!
An ah'll prove it, if tha'll lend me a Fiver.
A'l be in yon pub suppin' Lincoln's finest beer."

Then we met Taffy the Welch horse mangler,
who de-nutted gee gee's wi' two bricks.
He tied their back legs asunder,
so's not to get his head smashed in by kicks.

Grasping two heavy house bricks firmly,
he would crouch between the hind legs
then crash heavy bricks together sharply,
while horse gasped at about ten megs.

One bystander groaned on observing the ritual,
and commented, "Jings! But dis that no herrt?"
"On-ny if yer gets thu-mbs twixt bricks, boyo."
grinned Taffy as he adjusted his shirt.

We saw a Chippy making a cabinet,
and busy sawing a plank to fit.
And a bloke hanging from the light socket,
pretending he was a new globe just lit.

We asked why the chap was hanging up theer,
but he wouldn't come down wi' oot a ficht.
cos his mate was making him a new cabinet,
and he couldnie see ti werk wi'oot a licht.

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